Hurt

It is so hard to see the ones that you love walking around in pain and you can see the greatness in them but they can not see their own greatness. I tend to carry their pain with me throughout the day, their sadness because that is all that I can do to remind me of their pain and suffering. I can do nothing else but that. This is a journey that they have to walk by themselves. i can support them and hear them but I can't change anything for them. I wish I could wisk it away and let them be whole and healthy again. I also know that is not possible since they would not learn what they need to learn through this...........self love! TO love oneself is the greatest love that you can start with because than you are able to love others.

So take your journey my dears friends and lover and know that I am here to support and comfort you during your hard times. That God is always carrying you!

I love you both!

Hard Day

Today is a hard day! Not too sure why.......well yes I do know why! Because my mind plays with me and I at times allow it too. I can't get a thought out of my head and it just carries me. I am living in a time of uncertanity, not knowing where my future is and hard to live in the present sometimes. I know so many things but it seems those really do not matter at all!

Why is it that we do this to ourselves? What makes us to sure one day and the next day we are not so sure? Am I only good enough to protect but not good enough to love? Am I only good enough as a friend but not as a lover/spouse? It hurts so much to know that you are in love with someone and they are unsure of it all. It hurts to know that we made plans but at the sametime he was making different plans.

Sometimes you don't think about this stuff and other times you can't do anything but.........it's like sometimes you need the hurt to come out a little bit, even though you are still fighting for the marriage. It is not the hurt of an affair, its the hurt of a broken marriage, the hurt that your husband is hurting and lost. I carry that with me all the time and after awhile I think this is what happens his sorrow comes through and my sorrow comes up then too.

It's all so much at times! I know that my time is not God's time! It's hard to feel that there is love in there for me but for him not to see it or feel it........makes me want to cry!

Here

Here I am again in my life back to a spot that I thought I would never be..........seperated! This much I can say...I am thankful for having God in my life because otherwise I would not be able to forgive and know that I am married to a man that I am in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with. I also know that if it were not for this moment I would not be able to grow and become the person that I was truely meant to be............the person God created me to be without holding onto my past and allowing it to control my now and future. I am also thankful for the friends that God has brought into my life to help carry me through this time. They hold me true to my journey of self knowledge and God.

One last thought for now................thank goodness for shower heads during this time too! ;) lmao