You never know where life is going to take you..........you think you have one thing to deal with and come to find out it's so much deeper than that one thing. It's worse then dealing the sexual childhood abuse, it's a pain that is deep, that is at the core of me. It's a pain that makes me feel unworthy, unloveable, that I can not good enough, that I am easy to leave, that I am not worthy to fight for, that I am not someone who is worth staying with. This, this is me! Right now it is hard to think of getting out of this, to think that I am worthy of something. Every man has left me, even the one I am in love with, even the one who I thought would fight for this marriage. The one who told me he would! Lies, so many lies. It just reconfirms everything! Everything! That I am nothing! NOTHING! That I am worthless! A piece of shit that can be thrown away, that I did not do anything good enough. Me, that is me! How so very sad! That a whole life of growing up, that was what was shown me over and over again and recomfirmed by everyman I have been with, even the man who did not fit the mold of any man I had dated before. This says that this is something about me, who I am. Because if I was really that great, carying, compassionate, loving....etc.....then wouldn't they want to be with me? Wouldn't they want to fight for the marriage? wouldn't they? shit a brick and stuff a donkey! Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does!
