Connie's Chronicles

Life

2008-08-28T23:20:00.002-04:00

You never know where life is going to take you..........you think you have one thing to deal with and come to find out it's so much deeper than that one thing. It's worse then dealing the sexual childhood abuse, it's a pain that is deep, that is at the core of me. It's a pain that makes me feel unworthy, unloveable, that I can not good enough, that I am easy to leave, that I am not worthy to fight for, that I am not someone who is worth staying with. This, this is me! Right now it is hard to think of getting out of this, to think that I am worthy of something. Every man has left me, even the one I am in love with, even the one who I thought would fight for this marriage. The one who told me he would! Lies, so many lies. It just reconfirms everything! Everything! That I am nothing! NOTHING! That I am worthless! A piece of shit that can be thrown away, that I did not do anything good enough. Me, that is me! How so very sad! That a whole life of growing up, that was what was shown me over and over again and recomfirmed by everyman I have been with, even the man who did not fit the mold of any man I had dated before. This says that this is something about me, who I am. Because if I was really that great, carying, compassionate, loving....etc.....then wouldn't they want to be with me? Wouldn't they want to fight for the marriage? wouldn't they? shit a brick and stuff a donkey! Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does!

Hurt

2008-07-23T23:02:00.003-04:00

It is so hard to see the ones that you love walking around in pain and you can see the greatness in them but they can not see their own greatness. I tend to carry their pain with me throughout the day, their sadness because that is all that I can do to remind me of their pain and suffering. I can do nothing else but that. This is a journey that they have to walk by themselves. i can support them and hear them but I can't change anything for them. I wish I could wisk it away and let them be whole and healthy again. I also know that is not possible since they would not learn what they need to learn through this...........self love! TO love oneself is the greatest love that you can start with because than you are able to love others.

So take your journey my dears friends and lover and know that I am here to support and comfort you during your hard times. That God is always carrying you!

I love you both!

Hard Day

2008-07-23T07:01:00.004-04:00

Today is a hard day! Not too sure why.......well yes I do know why! Because my mind plays with me and I at times allow it too. I can't get a thought out of my head and it just carries me. I am living in a time of uncertanity, not knowing where my future is and hard to live in the present sometimes. I know so many things but it seems those really do not matter at all!

Why is it that we do this to ourselves? What makes us to sure one day and the next day we are not so sure? Am I only good enough to protect but not good enough to love? Am I only good enough as a friend but not as a lover/spouse? It hurts so much to know that you are in love with someone and they are unsure of it all. It hurts to know that we made plans but at the sametime he was making different plans.

Sometimes you don't think about this stuff and other times you can't do anything but.........it's like sometimes you need the hurt to come out a little bit, even though you are still fighting for the marriage. It is not the hurt of an affair, its the hurt of a broken marriage, the hurt that your husband is hurting and lost. I carry that with me all the time and after awhile I think this is what happens his sorrow comes through and my sorrow comes up then too.

It's all so much at times! I know that my time is not God's time! It's hard to feel that there is love in there for me but for him not to see it or feel it........makes me want to cry!

Here

2008-07-20T21:46:00.004-04:00

Here I am again in my life back to a spot that I thought I would never be..........seperated! This much I can say...I am thankful for having God in my life because otherwise I would not be able to forgive and know that I am married to a man that I am in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with. I also know that if it were not for this moment I would not be able to grow and become the person that I was truely meant to be............the person God created me to be without holding onto my past and allowing it to control my now and future. I am also thankful for the friends that God has brought into my life to help carry me through this time. They hold me true to my journey of self knowledge and God.

One last thought for now................thank goodness for shower heads during this time too! ;) lmao

Horder

2007-11-05T09:18:00.000-05:00

I am going to add to this posting over a few days as it comes to me....

I have realized that we are REALLY a material world. I was still holding onto my Barbie dolls, and my baby dolls from when I was a child. Why? What are my kids or husband going to do with it if I die? Play with it? Don't think so. So I very sadly walked my stuff to the trash. I can see it now as I type this out. What very fond memories I had playing with that stuff. I also found my old store playset, my old dollhouse furniture and my old record player. I gave it all to Goodwill. I am actually surprised that I am not sadder.
I was a horder, I realize. I also found every stinking card, letter, and note that my ex-husband sent me. Why? They made me angry looking at them, would loved to have burned them but I threw them out as well.

Ok I did save some stuff....like my Holly Hobby doll and my sock monkey doll. They are stuffed in a box discreetly labled........DO NOT THROW AWAY....PRIVATE....KEEP OUT! lol My dog growing up would take Holly and do unmentionalbles to her. We would find her with her legs spread and her arms over her head. I would cry and the family would laugh at me. I need to take a break....what a horrible memory........sniffle...sniffle...sniffle...
More to come....time to go to class....

Complex Feelings

2007-11-01T22:05:00.000-04:00

It's one thing to stick a sign in your yard, have open houses and letting strangers see how you live. It is a totally different feeling when an offer is made on your home. My initial response is....Are you crazy? You...Live in My House? This is MY house, no one is good enough to live in MY house. Then you remember that you wanted to move, so we make a counter offer and that is accepted.
Reality hits! I cry! I cry hard! I cry multiple times! When you put that sign in the yard you think, I am ready to move on, leave the bad memories behind with the house. I then realize that those bad memories are who I am. What made me this great person! Then I realize all the great and wonderful memories that I have had within this house too. You can't have good memories without bad memories. 12 years of great and bad memories.
1. This is my first house, bought by ME and only ME.
2. This is my youngest sons only home he has known.
3. We laughed.
4. We cried.
5. We loved.
6. We sang.
7. We yelled.
8. Celebrated 12 Christmas, Birthdays, Halloweens, etc..
9. I was left by a husband in this house.
10. I welcomed a new husband in this house.
11. I have seen my oldest go from a terrible toddler, to a preteen, to a wonderful teenager (OK wonderful half the time).
12. Found out I was pregnant in this house.
13. Sobbed in the driveway over my Grandfather dying.
14. Consoled my sons in this house when their Dad left.
15. Heartbroken watching my sons drive away with their Dad for their first visitian with him.

There are so many memories in this house. But that is exactly what it is, a house. A house does not hold the memories. I do! I hold the memories I created in this house. Now this house will help create new memories for the next family that lives here. I will cry for the memories that I will not make in this house anymore but I also have anticipation for the memories I will make in my new home. It's amazing the feelings I have worked through, all because I sold my home.

WAY TO GO SNIDER MARCHING BAND!!

2007-10-15T12:31:00.001-04:00

Snider Marching Band did an awesome job at regionals on Saturday! They marched a great show and they knew it when they walked off the field. They got into the top 5 and will be heading off to the Dome on October 20. Good Luck! No matter what they place, they did a great job this year and everyone is proud of them.

Check them out....they are playing music by Frank Zappa. Pretty cool show and pretty cool drum solo.
http://www.indianamarching.com/bands/index.php?type=Band&school=Snider&city=Fort%20Wayne

The Rudy Kachmann, m.d. Behavioral Foundation Inc.

2007-10-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

The Rudy Kachmann, m.d. Behavioral Foundation Inc.

Butt Kissing

2007-09-30T16:15:00.000-04:00

I remember when I was a teenager and I upset my Mom (really didn't care if I upset my Dad)....all I did was kiss her butt until she took me back into her graces again.

Oh the circle of life is now complete.

I am getting my butt kissed beyond belief (and it's really not working).

We went to his marching band competition last night (which they got Gold, so they will be going onto regionals, then hopefully onto State) and I did not go back to the buses, which I always do, afterwards. WE LEFT!!

Side note here.....THAT WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO DO IN MY LIFE, felt like I was walking away from my child.

He called me while we were eating to tell me that they came in second place and their score. I said, "you guys did really well, very proud of you all of you!" He was quiet for a bit, then said, "you guys came?" "Sure did", I said. "Why didn't you come and see me afterwards?", the boy who is kissing butt says. I said, "dunno". He who kisses butt says, "thanks so much for coming Mom, I appreciate it so much". (I had to stifle a giggle here) I ended the call by saying, "see you at school".
Today he has been downstairs all day and doing things for me. I just have to say...I quite enjoy this and think he will remain on my poop list for an undetermined amount of time. :)

Thanks Jen for the back up! His Moms involvement in his life has come to an end for awhile. We'll also be having a conversation once we are alone together.

That's him on the end, Bass 5.

Children

2007-09-28T12:54:00.000-04:00

Why is it that as parents that we do everything for our children and in return we get nothing but rudeness? We take my oldest son out to dinner and we are talking about one of his friends. He tells me about his friends parents never tell him how they are proud of the many things he does in his life. My son found that sad, which I agreed. I asked him, "You know that I am very proud of you, right?". He says, "Yes Mom I do know that". So flash forward to Walmart 30 mintues later....I am buying him items to take with him to marching band tomorrow and itmes for his fire up buddy too. I am trying to make suggestions for things to buy for his fire up buddy, which he is knocking down the ideas and me for suggesting them. We are now standing in the checkout line, where we start a converstation, where he goes on to tell me that he is embarressed of me. I said, "I embarress you?". He says"YOU embaress me! Embaress ME!" Which I in turn look at him and say ok, "then you can check out yourself because I don't want to stand next to YOU and EMBARESS YOU!" I then go on to say later on...."You know I bet your friend, who has parents who never tell him they are proud of him, doesn't talk to his parents the way you did to me. Maybe thats they whole key, withdraw from your children, don't extend yourself and they will not talk to you with disrespect."
He so totally hurt my feelings! I do all that I can for him, every weekend I go to the his compeitions, pick him up everyday at 5 from band practice, bring him drinks during practice, and volunteer for different functions during this time too.
This is what I want to know.....at what point are you too nice, put yourself out too much and provide to much? When do you say I have to be mean and put up my guard to protect myself and to also teach him a lesson? Also, is this motherly? Right now I feel that I have to pull myself away from him and his life, to protect myself from becoming bitter towards him. I really think he is a spoiled child. It's time for a change! I am going to have to sleep on this tonight, process this and come back.