Hard Day

Today is a hard day! Not too sure why.......well yes I do know why! Because my mind plays with me and I at times allow it too. I can't get a thought out of my head and it just carries me. I am living in a time of uncertanity, not knowing where my future is and hard to live in the present sometimes. I know so many things but it seems those really do not matter at all!

Why is it that we do this to ourselves? What makes us to sure one day and the next day we are not so sure? Am I only good enough to protect but not good enough to love? Am I only good enough as a friend but not as a lover/spouse? It hurts so much to know that you are in love with someone and they are unsure of it all. It hurts to know that we made plans but at the sametime he was making different plans.

Sometimes you don't think about this stuff and other times you can't do anything but.........it's like sometimes you need the hurt to come out a little bit, even though you are still fighting for the marriage. It is not the hurt of an affair, its the hurt of a broken marriage, the hurt that your husband is hurting and lost. I carry that with me all the time and after awhile I think this is what happens his sorrow comes through and my sorrow comes up then too.

It's all so much at times! I know that my time is not God's time! It's hard to feel that there is love in there for me but for him not to see it or feel it........makes me want to cry!